Today I really want to talk a bit about marriage. If you’ve read any of my blogs, you may now know that my marriage has faced some hardships. More honestly, my marriage went to hell and back and lived to tell about it. And today that is exactly what I want to do. I want to share a little bit of what I’ve learned on this journey of healing and redemption.
Yesterday I joked that if a marriage can survive a home renovation then it can survive anything. It’s funny because anyone who has ever gone through some DIY home improvements can relate. But in all honesty, the struggle of a renovation pales in comparison to the dark valley that our marriage has walked through. I hate to throw around the world miracle- but the love and commitment and joy that Tyson and I share today is nothing, NOTHING, but a MIRACLE!
I have said very, very, very little about the actual level of pain and sorrow that I have experienced these past few years. I don’t address it because I don’t think feelings are often the most accurate representation of truth or wisdom. But I do want to address it quickly, just this once. Saying, ‘our marriage went to hell and back’ is not a light-hearted joke. But that, in fact, Tyson and I faced the deepest level of turmoil that we had ever experienced. There were (and sometimes still are) many dark and hopeless days and even worse nights. Adultery in marriage causes pain to both spouses. No one is spared in this situation. Hopefully by revealing this, you can see my emotions for my humanity, and more so that you can see how powerful the testimony of God’s miraculous redemption is!
Looking back on our 7 years together as husband and wife, I can honestly tell you, it has always been pretty good. I married my best friend and we we have been growing a beautiful life and family since day 1. Tyson and I didn’t fight, laughed a lot, dreamed of the future together, and loved one another. But if I could tell you the one constant “fight” (more of an ongoing discussion really), it always came down to my wanting Tyson to give me lots of words of love and encouragement, and always feeling really disappointed that despite me being very clear of exactly the kinds of things I needed to hear, he was still unable to deliver. Every couple of months the conversations would arise, Why can’t you just tell me that you love me? That I am beautiful? That you appreciate me?! And to aid in my defense I always came back to the same guide, “The five love languages” book. I am sure you all know exactly what I am talking about. It was one of the books we were encouraged to read before getting married and we both latched on to the concept. I am “words of affirmation” through and through, while Tyson is “acts of service” and “physical touch”.
There is so much validation and resource in understanding how you give and receive love and this book can be a great tool. But may I suggest it can also be keeping your marriage stuck in a rut? Keeping you focused on the wrong things? Trying to force your perspective or change someone else?
In the year plus that it took of really healing our shattered marriage I kept hearing a phrase, and every time I heard it, I felt a the sharp stab of a knife which then turned into a conviction in my spirit. It took hearing this phrase a few dozen times before I was really convinced, “true love doesn’t beg, ‘do you love me?’”
True love doesn’t ask of another, “do you love me?”
But this is exactly the question that spurred the majority of our “fights”. “Do you love me?” It doesn’t seem like a bad question to ask the person that you vowed your life to. But, in fact, it can be a divisive one. Because the truth is, love is not a two way street. It never was. In fact, “we love because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19). That’s right, God’s love has always been one-way! Never begging anything in return. Now, don’t get me wrong, accepting that love is an actual well-spring of life, but no matter what we do or say or think, nothing can keep us from God’s love.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39).
I wrote about it before, but let me drive home my point again. When I first learned of my husbands affair I wanted to fix it, and fix it right now! I had my own ideas about how this fix would happen and things I expected and behaviors I needed to see. Guess what. I got NONE of what I wanted.
One of the things I thought would help us heal, was reading a recommended book about surviving adultery. Among its pages, was a suggested philosophy of how to go about building up one another’s “love bank” with “deposits” that make the other person feel love. It was very much along the lines of understanding your spouse’s love languages and intentionally doing things that show love. Honestly, this book, and this concept, although I am sure has helped many struggling marriages, left me feeling hopeless and doomed. In my heart I knew that this wasn’t the fix that my marriage needed. I didn’t want a bunch of actions, for the sake of feeling better. I wanted a heart change. I wanted something deep, true and that was a forever change. What I wanted was a new marriage. What I wanted was this broken marriage to be made new. What I wanted was this dead thing to become alive.
What I wanted was a resurrected marriage!
So, in this dark valley, that little voice in my ear saying, “love doesn’t ask, ‘do you love me?’” became my only hope. And somewhere along the way I folded. Folded my will to God’s. I am sure I physically threw my hands into the air and said something to the tune of, "ok God, I surrender! Do what only you can do! I am yours, my marriage is yours!"
And then I started to just love without expecting anything in return. Expectation- zero! ZERO! Continued to pray through all the emotions, the endless train of thoughts running through my mind, and the vacant loneliness. I put aside every single thought of pity, self doubt, justification, etc, etc. And I put aside my described love language as well! Because if love doesn’t ask, ‘do you love me’, then I knew I had to stop focusing on how I need to feel and receive love. No longer do I consider myself needing words of affirmation in my marriage- although they are always extra special to receive. Instead, to the best of my ability I try and emulate Christ’s love. One that is not vain or self seeking, does not boast, doesn’t hold a record of wrongs, perseveres through the darkest valleys, and always hopes for the future.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
I would love to end this post just like that. But I should say, for anyone who may think otherwise, I have a really great husband. He too has learned to love in the most sacrificial way. It really is the only way love works. And may we all remember that His ways are not our ways, His ways are always higher. I am sure we will continue to cram an infinite God with infinite love into a box with constrains and definitions and parameters, and deposits and withdraws, and... But God can not be so shallowly defined. YET he always wants to reveal more of His ways, His will, His mysteries to us.
Praise God that He is still resurrecting dead things!
Lexie
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