"Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." (Psalm 128:3)
This verse was the first of many confirmations for what would be my supernatural, completely pain free birth with Via. But to tell you just how God moved in regards to her birth, I have to start from the beginning.
As a short recap, My first 2 births were both at the hospital with different levels of "intervention". With Tylyn's birth, I had an epidural and for Hadley's birth I was induced with pitocin and had an epidural. Because I felt like there was so much more I desired out of my birthing experiences, I decided to use a midwife and have my first home birth with Jacson. And it was absolutely wonderful! In every way it was the birth that I should have and COULD have had with both Tylyn and Hadley. As it turns out, I have labored and birthed all my babies in essentially the same way. Tylyn, Hadley, Jacon and Emmy were all posterior- which meant BACK LABOR! It also meant that my "style" of labor included being on the ground on all 4's, often with a birth ball, grunting and mooing like a farm animal. For Realz! Another big similarity of my first 4 labors was vomiting during transition. This was both good and bad. Good because I knew that it meant it was all almost over, bad because it also meant the pain was very, VERY real and very, VERY intense. And the last main similarity is that my water had only ever broken during pushing (except form my hospital births where they broke my water for me). And despite the pain, I still absolutely loved experiencing labor completely "natural". So of course, when I became pregnant with Emmy, there was not question that I was going to have another home birth.
Now, if you have read my blog about a very personal time in my life, During my pregnancy with Emmy, then you will hopefully understand what I am about to explain. If not you can catch up HERE. But basically, my pregnancy with Emmy was a very dark time in my life and in so many ways, birthing Emmy very much correlated to birthing this darkness as well. The following words are something I wrote in the notes section on my phone a couple weeks after she was born. I feel pretty far removed from these feelings now, so this is a much more real and raw look at what her birth was like for me:
When I birthed Emmy I gave birth to something else too. Something really dark that had occupied basically my entire pregnancy with Emmy. And when I say birthed it I don't mean that I gave this darkness life. I mean that I birthed it out of my being- out of my soul. And you may be thinking that this darkness was somehow related to my pregnancy but it wasn't at all it was actually from an entirely different circumstance that cohabited space in my life while I was growing my baby in my womb.
But after Emmy was born, something wonderful but also extremely painful took place. I birthed this darkness out of my being and held on to hope that a new thing was going to spring up within me- within my family. But the reality of this painful birthing was that I became very weak shortly after birthing Emmy and It was rather unexpected. I didn't experience a depression but as I said a weakness. In fact just a week after she was born I got exceedingly sick with a 104* fever, chills, vomiting, the works.
I've always experienced a sense of euphoria and bliss after having a baby. With each of my first 3 pregnancies it was almost unbelievable how much joy I could experience the second after my baby was born. And that experience was almost intensified after the birth of Jacson, my first at home and all natural birth. For the days, weeks and months after he was born I was purely happy. So much so, that I was oblivious to some very tragic circumstances in my very own life. That was until it all came crashing down, and when Jacson was 9 months old my heart broke into a million pieces. I felt completely fraudulent in what I perceived as bliss throughout the previous 9 months. So much so that it is still hard to look back at happy photos and videos of that time period. I find myself questioning which reality was true? The blissful ignorance of being wrapped up in a brand new baby or the reality of a life that was unknowingly crashing in around me? I want to believe that the joy I found in Jacson's life was real. But my mind continues to tell me differently. And now, just weeks after birthing my 4th baby I am more confused than ever. I desperately wanted the bliss of birthing another precious blessing to wash away the 9 months of heart ache and despair that I've been struggling with. I desperately wanted a sense of peace and victory over the past situations, but I am struggling. I am struggling to let the joy come out. I know it's in there but I am fighting it back down. And why? Because I have allowed bitterness to reside where my God given peace already exists. The bitterness of the past and the situation that convoluted my reality of childbirth and my sweet little family. The bitterness is telling me to FEAR being happy. That, if I let the joy squeak out then I am making room for my heart to be broken again. So what do I do? Do I allow myself happiness at the risk of brokenness? It's a question I have heard before but I've never understood how complex the answer might be.
How do I allow my heart to trust everything that is happening around me in this season? Can I trust that my family is ok? That my marriage is ok? That my kids are ok?
In sharing this, my goal in no way is revel in past hurts or to elicit sympathy or any other response that you might be inclined to give. The only reason I mention it, is because it totally set the stage for what I was anticipating and even fearing in regard to another birth!
And, as I said, it is hard for me to even relate to these words any more. They seem very long ago and distant. And honestly, the only reason I can read something I wrote only 1 short year ago, and feel so disconnected to it, is because I sought the Will of God above EVERYTHING else during that time. And when God spoke to me, I obeyed. There are lots of things in the past year that have changed. For starters I literally birthed Emmy, had 3 months postpartum, found out I was pregnant again, and had another 9 months of pregnancy and now here I am with with a 5th baby! It's honestly really hard to wrap my mind around 2 babies in one year. Seriously! Simultaneously I began to share the Words that God was giving me. It started out by sharing some of the stuff I've been carrying around for the entirety of my marriage and life as a mother. Feeling from my first unplanned pregnancy with Tylyn, when Tyson and I were't married. And that grew my faith and courage to share more. And then in December I spoke at a Women's event at our church and shared this message, again you can read it HERE. And as I continued seeking God, he kept revealing more and more and more to me! It has been a truly AMAZING year! God has become so real in every way. The more experiences and glimpses that I get into His Kingdom the more I want to occupy it here and now! I wish there were words to accurately describe experiencing the Kingdom of God here on earth, but when it happens for you, you can't deny it! And above anything else I say in this blog, this is the coolest part, my husband feels the same way! We have tasted and seen what God can do and WE WANT MORE!
The First Confirmation God Gave me in regards to a supernatural, pain free birth
So............
About 6 weeks before Via was born, my anxiety for the physical pain of childbirth was growing. I had kind of pushed the negative feelings I had from Emmy's birth aside until I could no longer ignore them. I mean another baby was going to come out of me one way or another. So I decided to reach out to my beloved Instagram community and share my growing fear and anxiety of birth. That is when one of my "virtual friends" reached out to me and suggested I read the book "Supernatural Child Birth" by Jackie Mize. I ordered the book that night.
At the same time, I was preparing for my baby shower. Despite many offers for help and to throw one for me, I really wanted to host my own shower as a mini "Thank You" for all the wonderful friends and family who have celebrated all of my births throughout the years. Besides, after having 5 kids it doesn't really feel quite kosher to keep having baby showers year after year. Plus, if you know me, then you know I LOVE planning and throwing parties. I've totally overdone birthday parties in the past and have learned to simplify in recent years. Nonetheless, I was planning a very classy and elegant "Olive plant" themed baby shower. This was before we were decided on Olivia as her name. But I loved the biblical meaning behind the Olive tree. One particular scripture comes to mind that is so very encouraging:
A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap." -Luke 6:38
I love the imagery of this verse, as it mirrors the process of making olive oil. Where the olives have to literally be crushed, pressed down and shaken together in order to produce the rich, thick, goodness that can be poured out in abundance. It seemed fitting as a declaration of what once was, and what is to come!
My lovely sister offered to order some olive branches for the shower, and had them sent to my house. And when they arrived, HOLY COW, there was an overwhelming amount of branches! I was so giddy putting the branches in vases of water to preserve them until the party. The same day that the olive branches arrived I also received my book, "Supernatural Childbirth" in the mail. And right after putting 5 vases full of olive branches on my dining table, I opened the book and began reading. And that is when I felt my first confirmation from God, as if he was nodding his head and winking at me saying,
"Lexie, This is for you! This will happen for you! In me, you have peace! I have not given you a spirit of fear! You will have a painfree childbirth! You will be overflowing with joy!"
He didn't actually say all of that exactly, what He actually said was this,
"Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." (Psalm 128:3)
Here I was, sitting at my DINING TABLE surrounded by 5 VASES of OLIVE SHOOTS reading that I WILL BE LIKE A FRUITFUL VINE in a book all about supernatural, pain free childbirth.
Now, if you have followed me on Instagram you have heard this story before. But there is a part that I haven't shared before. And this is the second confirmation that God gave me in regard to believing for a pain free child birth.
Confirmation 2: A Facebook Connection
While all of this stuff in regards to my baby shower was going on, I had just had a midwife appointment where I shared my growing fear and anxiety with my midwife team as well. At this very appointment, my midwife told me that one of her other preggo mom's, a mom of soon to be 6 kids, was experiencing the same apprehension toward her birth (despite having all 5 previous pregnancies at home) and that she had been invited to join a Facebook group about pain free childbirth. She said she was skeptical about the group at first but was encouraged about what was being shared. So, my midwife offered to find out exactly what the Facebook group was and get me connected to it as well. I, also a little apprehensive said, "sure, I'll take whatever help I can get." A couple days later my midwife texted me the info for the Facebook group. (the text in my phone says the date was Feb. 28th which was exactly 3 days before my baby shower, so probably the EXACT day that the book and olive branches arrived in the mail).
I love that the Facebook group recommendation came with the disclaimer, "it's an overtly Christian group, if that's an issue for her" (as in ME! hahaha!). So, once I received this text message you can be sure I checked out the Facebook group right away! And upon joining the group, I learned that one of the main resources for the information shared in the group was none other than "Supernatural Childbirth" by Jackie Mize. So if I had even the slightest doubt before, it was solidified in my mind at this point, Painfree Childbirth was on my horizon! That and that God is good and he so intimately and personally cares for us (and ME!!!).
There was a lot of great information presented in this group about childbirth. There was very practical information about the specific things that are happening during birth from a biological and scientific standpoint and there is also good information from a Christian, biblical perspective to help prepare and believe for a pain free birth. I am going to get into this a little deeper but first I want to talk about another confirmation I received from God.
Confirmation #3: A Word from a Friend
This one is just a small little word offered by a friend but it meant a lot to me. And I think it is cool to let people know when they are a part of your journey in faith.
At the beginning of March my church had a worship night for the women's ministry. I was immersed in believing for a pain free birth. So, when we started singing the song, "There is a Cloud" by Elevation Worship, I was already mediating on the words in regards to my upcoming labor. And at that moment, a sweet friend, Tracy, came and gave me a warm hug and said to me, "I believe God is telling me that these lyrics right here are a declaration for you and this baby!"
"And with great, anticipation We await, the Promise to come Everything, that You have spoken Will come to pass, let it be done!"
Confirmation #4: A prophetic dream.
At this point I was at the end of my pregnancy, I'm not exactly sure how far along, but I was somewhere around 38 or 39 weeks pregnant. Needless to say, I was waist deep in praying for, believing in, and declaring a pain free childbirth. I mean, there was no stopping my determination. I had learned a great deal of information in regards to the aspects of labor that scared me the most. To name them: back labor and pushing! The Facebook group had an excellent video about how the baby rotates in the pelvis during birth and why a baby on the right side would most likely be posterior during labor and how to encourage the baby to flip to the left side before labor begins, so that they will be in optimal birthing position. Similarly good information in regards to pushing, specifically that your body will do all the work during the contractions and that the woman doesn't have to strain or add any strength of her own. And in prompting from the group, I wrote out a list of the 5 top things I was praying and believing for. Here is that list:
So as I already said, the baby's position was a big one for me. We already knew she was on the wrong side, suggesting she would most likely be posterior unless she flipped before labor. Similarly I really wanted my water to break before pushing for 2 reasons. The first, because I thought it might lesson the pressure (and pain) during pushing. And the second because I wanted a sign that I was in fact in labor (assuming it was going to be pain free and all). And of course a lot of my focus was on the whole PAIN FREE aspect. So, one night, near the last couple weeks of my pregnancy I had this dream.
I was in a big open field and driving some sort of camping van. There was absolutely nothing else around and we (I think Tyson was there in the dream but he wasn't the focus) had just stopped the camper in the middle of this big field. I went outside to look for a place to hook up a long hose, assuming to hook the camper up to water. (Note: I have no idea how trailers or campers work or how you hook them up, so I am sure this doesn't make much sense). Anyway, I was running through the field to what was a water faucet way, way, way far away, dragging this really long hose along with me. And just right up ahead of the water spout a little brush fire started out of nowhere. I could see that it was starting to spread so I hooked up this hose as fast as I could, thinking that it would undoubtedly put out the fire. But as soon as I turned the water on I had a fleeting thought of "The water should have turned on! Why didn't the water turn on!" And in that moment the entire field burst into flames and I was incinerated in an instant. The next thing I know, it was as if my spirit was hovering over top of the field looking down at it in flames. I knew that I was dead, but I felt very, very peaceful and had no fear. And in that moment, in my dream, I had this thought, "Wow, that didn't hurt at all." And then I woke up to a VERY intense contraction. But as the contraction held tight, I layed in bed thinking, wow, this is a really intense contraction, but it doesn't hurt at all! I honestly thought my labor was beginning right then and there and kept thinking about my water breaking and wanting my water to break so I would know if "this was it". I realized that the hose in the dream had something to do with my desire for my water to break at the onset of labor. Spoiler alert: I wasn't in labor yet, and my water did not in fact break at the start of labor but it DID break just before I transitioned into pushing. But more on that later.
Further Confirmation: An Easter Weekend Birth
Like any pregnant woman, I would have loved Via to come before her due date. I had thought she might be born on Emmy's 1st birthday, so that my Irish twins could be REAL IRISH TWINS! But she didn't. Then I thought she might be born on St. Patrick's day so that I could at least dress my Irish Twins up in matching green outfits. She didn't come that day either. And then my March 26th due date came and she still wasn't born. The Fridayof that week, as I was 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant, was Good Friday. And that is when I took a deep breath and realized, 'God is going to show me his resurrecting power, the power of what Christ died on the cross for, in the birth of this baby sometime during THIS HOLY weekend.'
And sure enough, as Tyson and I were sitting in Church, the night of Good Friday, I started having contractions. The truth of God's word was resonating within me the entire night. As the church reflected on Jesus' death on the cross. I was consumed with thoughts of EVERYTHING Christ died for!
The resurrecting power of Christ is as alive TODAY as it was 2000+ years ago!
God has indeed redeemed me, and through his resurrection he has made ALL THINGS NEW!
We no longer have to live subject to our sins, subject to the law, or subject to the "curse" of the first sin.
God not only paid the price of MY sin, but of THE FIRST SIN!
You can not claim any of the promises of God if you let fear occupy any part of your life.
By His stripes we are healed!
Seek first His Kingdom, and all else will be added to it!
If any of these concepts are news to you can read all about the first sin and how Eve was punished with "pain in childbirth" from my most recent blog post HERE.
At the end of the Good Friday service, we came home and Tyson and I stayed up talking about and anticipating the birth. Discussing the Word of God and aligning our thoughts and words with The Word. We went to bed that night and I continued to have contractions throughout the night. When I woke up the next morning I knew I was going to have a baby that day!
Stay tuned for Olivia's Supernatural birth story part 2! Thanks for reading what might be the longest set up to a birth story ever! But I want you to know this wasnt just a fleeting thought or prayer that was answered. This was a miracle that I fought for!
Love Sharing Life With You!
Lexie
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